I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
