I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
