Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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