Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
