There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize