Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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