and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize