Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
