she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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