Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
