Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
