I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
