I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize