Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
