You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize