Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
