i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
