What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
