Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
