It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
