and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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