You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My first STD was from a foam party
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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