wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
