the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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