I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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