Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So here I am, sexting at work.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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