you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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