I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
