I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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