Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
