I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
