i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize