omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
