Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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