my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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