Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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