i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
