that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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