So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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