DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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