That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
