I accidentally burped into my bong.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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