Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
