Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
