When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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