just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
too bad you live with your parents still
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize