I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
