i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
