Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
