: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
