chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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