Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
being pregnant is like rehab
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
