at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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