turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
