Whod you bang
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
