So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
