I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
