I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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