I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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