I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
