does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
