she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
